Out to lunchWhy toy guitars and footballs should also be banned |
UPDATE: David Bullard tells us in his vlog why he writes what he likes, join the debate.
JOHANNESBURG - The anti-gun brigade have been in the news of late because they have managed to persuade Pick n Pay to take toy guns off their shelves ahead of Christmas. The thinking is that if you give a kid a toy gun he will grow up to be a murderer. Even if he is brought up in the sylvan leafiness of Constantia he will eventually want to go and join a gang on the Cape Flats, get a tattoo, remove all his front teeth and kill people for fun. What a load of bollocks and I'm staggered that Pick n Pay fell for it. Fortunately other toy stockists aren't being so PC and are resisting the entreaties from the nanny anti-gun lobby to stop selling toy guns.
I got my first cap pistol at the age of about 5. I had a Johnny 7 assault rifle which launched seven different missiles, a Sekiden gun which shot dried peas, a very realistic Luger pistol for when I was pretending to be a Nazi SS officer (aged 9) and then I had an air rifle which I used to maim small animals from my bedroom window. These are the ones I can remember and I know I had a lot more. Did I grow up to be a murderer? Well there's still time and I've got a couple of names on my hit list but, thus far, the answer is no. Playing with guns as a child didn't turn me into a serial killer any more than helping my mother to hang out the family washing turned me into a cross dresser.
Quite who came up with this nonsense I'm not sure but the anti-gun lobby should be ashamed of themselves. It's one thing wanting to ban real guns (also a crazy idea) but quite another to insist on banning toy guns. What are growing boys going to play at? Most of my childhood games involved mud, long grass, sisters gagged and used for target practice and the theme was cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians (or, more correctly, farm hands with bovine expertise and native Americans) and Germans and Tommies. We even had bows and arrows with sharp tips made from bamboo. We had knives for cutting the ropes that bound our hostages. And we had fast bikes for a quick getaway. We lived dangerously in the 1960s. We also had tree houses that we could fall out of. These were built by our fathers and in modern Britain a father could now be arrested for building a tree house if it didn't satisfy rigorous safety standards. And obviously a public health inspector would have to be present if you wanted to play in it.
We never wore helmets when cycling because we didn't want to look like complete dorks. We bought chocolate cigars and sweet cigarettes in a packet that looked just like a real cigarette packet. There were other more realistic toy cigarettes with a glowing end and fine powder in them. You would blow and a small plume of smoke would come out the end.....very cool at aged ten. And we didn't all grow up to be 40 a day smokers.
So what else do we need to clear off the shelves in the interests of our children's future well being? Well obviously Barbie dolls and their ilk will have to go because they give young girls a quite unhealthy idealised version of what a woman should look like. That can't be good for young boys either. Unless the toy manufacturers agree to bring out chubby lesbian dolls in comfy shoes to balance perceptions of womanhood then curvy blonde dolls should be banned. Obviously train sets should be banned because it encourages people to throw themselves in front of real trains when they grow up. Toy kitchens force girls to only consider a life of domesticity and woodwork sets encourage young boys to become the leader of the ANCYL. Ban them all.
Then there's toy guitars and drums to worry about and all those computer games involving musical instruments. If ever there was a way of turning nice young children into drug ravaged rock demons then this is it. Give a seven year old a toy guitar today and in ten ears time he will he slashing kid's throats in the school playground. Guaranteed. Is it worth the risk? No...ban them.
Which brings me to footballs. These are probably the most harmful and insidious influences on the young mind. Many people donate them to townships thinking they are doing good but a township kid hanging around street corners with nothing to do is far less risky than a kid with a football. Allow a child to play with a football today and be prepared for the delinquent whirlwind that will follow. He will grow up thinking the world owes him a living, become a drunken driver, a sexual philanderer, a collector of kitch and a wife beater. There again, he may just develop enough skills to be part of a future winning national squad. But is it worth the risk?
*After 24 years as a trader in the global financial markets David Bullard decided to opt for an easy life and became a journalist. His iconic "Out to Lunch" column has been running for 15 years and is as offensive as ever. Not that he gives a damn...
Write to David Bullard: davidbullard@moneyweb.co.za
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